Archive for the ‘Zen Enlightenment’ Category

To be Normal is to be Mediocre

June 6, 2017

To expand on Aspergers, I am probably a very high functioning one or just lucky enough to have the object of my desires to be something related to human relationships. The ones that stands out are those who specializes in something unnatural.

Perhaps one of the more damaging moment when I was young, is to have one of these young psychologist or psychiatrists tell me that I might have a disease known as Aspergers out right without me seeking her opinion. The resulting internal debate is one of the most depressing one I’ve had till that point in my life almost as similar in intensity to the day I learned the false idiocy which says our brain stops growing after our teenage years.

If you look at our society and those successful founders at the top who invented something, you’ll notice that most of them has some form of Aspergers and they found a way to hide it from normal people. The desire for perfection and an insufferable desire to complete an idea. These are the exact same characteristics necessary to succeed in something new.  From my point of view, this is a genetic mutation that allow us to transcend “Normality” and ascend to the next form of existence. However, our brain only has a limited amount of computational ability, so these specialized “gifts” often come at the expense of other normal functions.

If you were to imagine a smooth suave normal person that you’d look up to, I believe most everyone can agree that ballroom dancers are the most elegant bunch and can all agree that they are not one of these “brain damaged” retards. Yet if you think about how they achieved their elegance for a moment. Countless hours everyday of repeating the same routine OVER AND OVER. Isn’t that just like someone with Aspergers? Everything hardcore where you aim for the top requires some type of mental illness. The very definition of the top 1% says you are not normal.

The sooner we can change our mindset on this, the sooner we can start cultivating and grooming these gifted individuals to help advance our civilization. Think about it? What is normal? Living a normal life, never standing out, doing the same shit everyone else is doing. I hold a certain amount of disdain towards the normal people I see in everyday life. Always chatting on the phone about insignificant nonsense, always checking instagram (Snap chat or whatever is new nowadays). Never doing anything akin to improving themselves or thinking about the future.

Imagine a kid with a brilliant ability to invent new devices and having an authoritative figure telling the kid one day that he has a disability with the parents agreeing with the authority. This is probably the most devastating hit to the kid’s mind than anything you can throw at him.

There was something important with my little “gift” that I believe allowed me to be somewhat responsive in social settings. That is a moment when I come to peace with not “Completing” something or not doing something to the high standard I require. This desire to have things in an order in the way it is supposed to be in my desire is very strong and important part of Aspergers. At least according to me. It drives me and pushes me towards excellence, always trying to be better. It hurts a lot internally when I cannot make it the way I want it.

I believe, since I can only speak from my own experience, that others get stuck when this happens and cannot get out of it. I call it a dissonance loop. You must finish so your mind can move on to the next thing, but you cannot finish. Before you know it, the mind goes inside and the body start moving automatically towards the coping mechanism adapted since childhood. The way I go about overriding this, is by agreeing to myself that I am doing this for others, so it is not what I wanted so that the standard does not have to be “perfection”. I’ve also learned a lot about time management and what’s important to do first, so these logical reasonings can be used to override the “emotional” desire in order to push things forward in a project.

Well, I didn’t always know the internal workings of my own “gift” until recently. Going to an extreme Vipassana retreat to meditate really helped me go through my life’s moment and slowly sort out the ins and out of everything. I also uses anchoring techniques and a clap as the anchor as a quick way to release myself if I ever enter into a “Dissonance Loop” in public.

I think this is all that I needed to say on the subject. I will now get back to making sure that the walls of my new apartments are “perfectly prepped” before I put on the new coat of paint. This apartment will be for me and me only, so everything in it is about indulging that little “gifted” side of mine.



June 18, 2016

No change

I didn’t tell people in my real life what happened, I didn’t do anything outrageous nor did I buy anything flashy to show off. Life just carried on like before as I am too busy dealing with the wrap up of winning. So it is probably safe to say that anything anyone felt from me recently is due to some unconscious change in my behavior or my hormones are releasing something new. I try hard to stay the same, but judging from other people’s behaviors towards me, Something changed.


It has only been two days since things finalized, but already, I am seeing a difference. When I ask a girl to dance for a song later. She actually held out and refused two guys while waiting for me. Whereas before, they would just go with whoever asked them NOW.

When women whom I’ve interacted with leave the venue that I am in, they make a point of coming by to where I am to say bye.

Girls initiating the hookup. In particular Germans. I’ve always liked Germans. For some reason, we just click. I’ve asked other Asians and this does not seem to be a widespread case. So it’s not like the case with Italians where for some reason I still haven’t figured out, they really like Asians. How people treat me in Europe felt very different while I was there visiting. The Germans are still very easy to get along with, but I thought this was an Geographic phenomena isolated to Europeans living in Europe. However, I still feel the same kind of treatment when I interact with Germans (1st and 2nd gen) in Canada. So this has something to do with their upbringing that transcend geography.

A lot more accidental boobs touching not initiated by me which, after interrogating many women post coitus, is actually not accidental.

The interesting observation from this is that only the younger (~25) and hotter women (7+) do this. The women below seem to have disappeared. Which is fine by me as I do not notice them anymore nor do they attempt to interact with me.


Men doesn’t give me crap anymore. Nor makes jokes that uses me as the source of the joke. Part of it is the threat of violence from finally having muscles. The threat of violence has always been there before what’s new is the fact that men make a point of saying hi to me when passing me by. I remember thinking “Why are they bothering me?” When these started happening because I was so used to being ignored.


I am pretty used to being ignored and have the time to myself to go really deep into any particular train of thought. The new reality for me is that it is getting harder to have these times as I get interrupted more often. I also used to make sure that I respond to everyone no matter how important or urgent their requests are. I will respond or help out even if it doesn’t benefit me. The new reality is that there are too many requests and some of these requests will take a lot of effort from me while not benefiting me in anyway. The result is that I only have enough time to field requests that directly benefits me and interests me.

Most of my success are from acts of selfishness where I focus the outcome solely on benefiting me. So it is strange when looking back that I used to expend so much effort doing things for others that doesn’t benefit me at all. I used to believe in good Karma that comes back and toiled away without thanks. This change comes from the realization that people are cunts. The majority will shit on you without a thought and everyone believe that what they are doing is good. Even the bad guys. Yes, I’ve reached peak cynicism and based on history, I reach my greatest achievements during peak cynicism due to my unwavering desire to hurt anyone who opposes me.


Merit only exists for the 1%

February 24, 2016

Another day, another experiment completed. It is kind of sad to learn the truth but it is how the world functions.

As I’ve mentioned before, when I got hired here, the then manager wanted me to move to a supervisory role. I asked to wait 3 months before deciding. 3 months later after a manager change and all previous conversation forgotten. I get to see whether or not the world works on merit.

The current manager is not a person of the same race as me. I watched in horror as one good candidate after another who applied gets turned down and only those of the manager’s race gets hired. Then something happened. A new hire of the manager’s same race is on the fast track to be a supervisor. It wasn’t that I was bypassed that is behind this sad feeling, but the disillusionment that arises after my pessimistic view of the world gets proven right again. Two other workers of my race quit a while before me, I guess they felt the change a lot sooner than me. Thinking back, a lot of the fun was also because I was working with a core people that comes from my own race. I didn’t feel as excluded.

At this moment, I am very sure that if the situation were to repeat and I was interviewed by the current manager, I would not have been hired.

That’s when it hits me. That anytime I have ever gotten into a position of significance, it was always because of help from someone of my own race. Merit for an immigrant of any country does not exist. The only option is to start my own and also to help only those of my own race.

Life, living and relaxing

October 9, 2015

I have co-existed with my subconscious for long enough to know that there’s a reason behind everything. My conscious mind is just slower at figuring out but act as a last gateway to filter out whether or not my current degrading moral values can accept and live with the consequences.

So it wasn’t too weird to refuse the full time project management job in order to take on a part time retail facing job. But it isn’t until now that I understood why.

I think due to what I have become, I am getting more and more detached to real living conditions by the day. There were too many instances where I’d get the comments along the line of: “Nobody does that, why would you do it like that?” The answer in my mind is usually a very logical answer based on years of experience and clarity. However I have lost the ability to understand that the resulting action will be seen as an outlier in society. Something I need to watch out for in order to draw less attention to myself.

That said, there’s still the matter of my “aura” so to speak. It is something I’ve noticed now that I am back in a drone’s position, but the aura was a natural part of my previous life. Simply put, I don’t know how to suppress it and it is seeping out in unexpected ways. 5 times now I’ve been mistaken as the manager in the few weeks that I’ve been on the job. Twice I’ve been asked to move into management position. My observation on the type of people who can notice this is also interesting. People in higher up position or in higher part of society are more aware of this than those at the lower tier of society.

What it does create is conflict with the lower tier people as they are not aware of the aura and equate your position exactly as what you are. Simply put. People in higher tier of society uses your “presence” to judge who you are while people in lower tier society had to use your position as they have less exposure to management and the “Game of Thrones” so need less intuition on that to survive. So when someone in a lower class position has a commanding presence towards them, it creates repulsion.

So it is a failure on my part to hide this presence. And I believe it has everything to do with my pride. The combination of this and bad acting skills means that I am not able to play the part of the whipped beta boy that I need to be. I made a point of making a mistake per day, but after watching the real beta boy at work who sucks so bad at it, I realized that even intentionally crippling my performance, I am nowhere near drastic enough with my acting skills.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I didn’t go all out flashy once I got back. Because I do remember saying that the backpacking trip will be the last time I will be poor. It has something to do with the Awakening. But more so with pre-selecting people. People who can notice and people who cannot.


Out of generosity

September 3, 2015

One of the most sublime enlightenment that I experienced was going through the transformation about doing good deeds. Because our whole western society preaches the exact opposite of how real world works.

My first encounter with this concept happened while reading about the author’s remark on game of thrones. That he really try to emphasis  a theme and that this theme is what hooks the audience because it subconsciously mimic real life. The theme is: “No good deeds goes unpunished.”

People cannot differentiate between generosity out of an expectation for return and generosity out of abundance. For the receiver and all around good feelings of parties involved, you want generosity out of abundance because for the giver, the outcome doesn’t matter and if the generosity gets misused, the giver would not need to care as it came from something that is not needed by the giver.

What I’ve increasingly been realizing is that in the current society, the taker will often bite back either through flakiness (waste of time) or some other reaction in order to extract more from the giver. People cannot differentiate between giving out of an expectation for return or giving out of abundance, so they mistook both as a reflection of weakness and therefore, tries to take advantage of the giver.

What I’ve had to do recently is to save some sort of reverse stabbing mechanism to all my giving. So that when the taker decides to bite me as the giver, I will activate the reverse stabbing mechanism and hurt them. Some people understands it right away and stops, but some people are dumb enough that they do not make the association that the counter happens because they tried to bite and had to have it happen 2~3 times before stopping. Some just don’t realize that all future benefit can be withdrawn the moment they decide to bite. Which just means that there are people who kept on giving and turning the other cheek even though they were bitten… and this happened enough that the takers got trained to think this is normal.

But, it left a foul taste in my mouth and I have increasingly come to the realization that most people are not worth helping because of this messed up situation. Maybe it has always been there or maybe it is that I am in a better position to give now.

There are people that are labelled as “bad” or “evil” in society. I’ve always wondered if they are truly bad or evil. Because I am a “person” too and I rationalize a lot of my actions as justified because everything have different facets to it. That’s why I am fine with what I do and who I am now. I am not going to apologize for it and many people will get offended by it.