Archive for the ‘Scrawl’ Category

On Racism 2

April 22, 2017

Everyone’s been looking at it wrong because everyone is looking at it through their own perspective. What I thought of as racism in Vancouver, the kind that dismisses Asians as a joke permeating all of America, is actually fear.

Ze German

It takes a lot of work and luck to develop these type of connection with travelers. A connection that can surpass the racial line so that you can freely discuss issues knowing that there’d be no judgement from the other side. Time, patience and certain type of curiosity to how the world works. German guys are particularly interested in these things. The benefit for me, is getting answers on questions that people will not answer honestly if I was the one who asked the question.


It took me a few second to process this new fact as F recounted his run-ins with local Canadians. White-people-venting-their-frustration-to-their-visiting-European-cousins type of encounters he had. They didn’t outright say they fear Asians, it was F’s innate sense which made him conclude it as such. As a tourist to our country from Germany and more used to another kind of norm, this contrast was obvious to him. Fear of foreign invaders, I would expect the Germans to understand best what this fear feels like, but apparently, Vancouver fears Asians even more.

The fear, is that of Asians buying up all the land and taking over Vancouver. The fear of being replaced as the dominant and ruling class. The fear of being excluded, an outsider in their own land, because the Asians were not able to meld into the society nor speak English.


Everyone who comments on an immigrant group who does not integrate almost invariable mention that they are not trying to learn the language. The reason why it is the way it is was so obvious to me that I never gave it a second thought. That is, until F said in a matter-of-fact manner that anyone can learn a new language at age 40 and not integrating is the immigrant’s fault.

I went “Excuse me?” Give me an example of anyone learning a new language and speaking it fluently past 40… 30 even. Then I realized that they are thinking of learning a new language based on their own experience between the Latin based languages; English, French, German, Spanish, Dutch etc. Whereas I was thinking in terms of Mandarin, French, Arabic, Russian where the roots are completely different and there are no basic common ground between them.

Herein lies the real meat of this particular debate. Most people of white races experiences learning a second language with another language similar to theirs whereas the Immigrants-who-are-not-integrating experiences learning a language that is completely different. When you think about it this way, anyone from these problematic self segregating cultures are doing so because there is no way for them to ever be completely fluent in the host country’s language. Between a friend circle where you can express yourself fully and a friend circle where you are limited to an IQ of 80 because of the limited ability to express yourself, everyone will pick the former circle of friendships. Leading eventually to self segregation.

If you want to experience this as a person of white race. You have to go to Singapore. The most prosperous country in Asia where a bunch of white people are trying to get into the financial industries and running into trouble. The frustration that they experienced at not being able to speak Mandarin is palpable. Still it misses a big part of the experience, Singaporeans will not resent you for not integrating as Asians are pretty mellow about other cultures minding their own business and being in their own cliques.


As the world continues its globalization, real world studies like these will become increasingly necessary in order to ease tensions. I realized that I am probably doing the work of a PHD research on race, because of my lifestyle. An academia researcher will most likely not be able to engage in physically being in different places to do research and stealth interview people the way I do. Yet these are the people our government rely on to make policies on the matter.

Racial differences can only be experienced and felt.

Simple Diary

April 21, 2017

There’s something succinctly beautiful about writing down my daily lives on paper. I’ve missed that. This began that way as the Internet and blogging started during my younger years. A simpler time and a simpler mind.

As I grow and gain more experiences, the range of topic I talk about expanded. Soon, it is less about my life and more about what’s happening around the world from my point of view. Then in recent years, as my life gets more interesting and secretive, I have been reducing my writing frequency. If I do write, I steer away from anything sensitive and politically incorrect or keep on topics that has nothing to do with offending people.

The blog also gained some weird clique. There’s the university professor who sends her students here for sleeping study. Travelers interested about Morocco (I do go to other countries you known). Investors still trying to find out what my Magic 8 ball will say next and a lot of you who lands on the first page, look around for old time sake to see if there’s anything new, then leave. I am sure there are others who uses this blog as a study of some topic or another.

Sort of surprised. Google analytics has gotten better at identifying that you guys are actually real human and not bots. It gave me consolation that I am not talking to myself all these time.

The world is changing, but more importantly, the demographic of majority voters is changing. The Millenials, the current majority, are quit easily offended by words. Political power means actual police enforcement power and translate directly to me keeping a few things to myself. Surprisingly, action is still ok.

So during my time away a couple of years ago when I began to not talk about certain things, I’ve joined and experienced a cult, traveled 1/5th of the world, lived on a remote island like Robinson Crusoe,  become a diver, met 10 000+ people from all over the world, meditated in India, fought a drug gang, swam in the Ganga River and hiked the Himalayans. I have also, finally trained enough to have six pack of stomach muscle show up clearly. (Can’t wait for summer to show off). These sounds interesting, but I am still hiding certain things that cannot be said. A traveler once asked me a question and I told her that the world is crueler than the movies depict.

I plan on eventually telling these stories to my readers, but I need some time to mentally prepare and also letting enough time pass by so that events and people are less recognizable. To finally say fuck all to political correctness and take on the consequences is not an easy decision. Also, to again bare my inner thoughts to everyone…

It’s because, I’ve reached a mental state where I am fine with showing you these things. I had some reservation before about people in real life, (work, home, friendship) reading these things and having an advantage over me. Since I am no longer in contact with any of my acquaintances and the few real friends I keep. Well, they’ve already heard all my adventures and inner thoughts.

So I am stuck in Canada for 9 months and there will probably be loads of time to type and write. I do miss writing on paper so yeah… Going to do something about it.

Wasted potential

August 7, 2016

Sometimes, I pass by these beggars on the street who looks absolutely stunning. As a guy, all I can do is feeling resignation towards these people. How can they waste so much potential and end up on the street.

A good looking face opens the door to many possibilities. It means that, as a man, these guys have wasted away countless opportunities that have opened up to them in the years that have passed. Opportunities that were thrown upon them instead of having to fight and struggle to get a foot in the door.

I always wondered how it happened. Was it a sense of pride that led them to reject these opportunities? Was it general incompetence from having life too easy for them as children?

I’ve never been able to get a yes in anything just by asking in my life. I am assuming that this is what high status and good looks gets people. So there’s always some element of maneuvering that I need to apply when I am eventually met with a no at first. Persuading people without using intimidation, anger or seduction is an art worth studying, but its general benefit in my life is very minimal. Persuasion and persistence only pays off when done early in life. When that 20% off an annual utility payment or 80% off an area rug when Eaton goes bankrupt can snowball into something big 30 years down the line.

But when you reach my age. The skills that nets you discounts are no longer worth it due to time constraints. The next phase of life requires skills that multiplies any spending by 100% or 200%.

“What are these skills?” is what is currently on my mind as I get ready to travel again.


June 27, 2016

The only difference between the me today and the me from one year ago are muscles gained from one year of full on strength training. I still remember when I first started, the personal trainer at my gym looked huge and muscular. Now they just look the same size as me.

Waking up before the sun gets up and train for an hour before heading for work, five days a week. Money on food money on recovery from injuries, time spent to recover from diseases. It was truly a tale of blood and sweat. But the results are there. Results measured based on other people’s comments, the amount of sex I get and who I get it from.

For obvious reasons of the fact that our mind tend to deceive ourselves on the type of world and story we live in. I only believe certain things when people say it to my face. When you are good at something, people will tell others.

So it was no surprise to me that people started saying I am charismatic. When almost anywhere I go now, people initiate conversations with me. The girls I get to have sex with gets younger and hotter and the efforts I have to put in is less and less.

My guess is that the charisma comes from years of practice in my life spent without a good physique that women want. It took the sum experience from 3 years of wandering to be able to pull someone like Ylva, nowadays it doesn’t take as much effort.

It left a bad taste in my mouth because it doesn’t seem like anything else that I managed to achieve matters.


June 8, 2016

Got my site backup.

Not that it is a long struggle, it took me 2 days of mental gymnastics to figure out what’s wrong with the transfer and about 3 days of communication between two hosting providers. The debugging part, once I’ve finally convinced myself that I am smart enough and strong enough to endure the process, actually took only 1 hour.

Most of my life’s hurdles are like this. Not really hard to solve when I get down to it, but the mental hurdle that I needed to overcome and convince myself is very high. Think of it as a charging up of a lot of energy before releasing a tsunami to overwhelm the problem. The preparation to have food ready and the process of freeing up the time for the days ahead that I expect to spend on this project. The problem almost always end up being easier than expected and gets solved earlier once all the preparations are done.

It took this long, because fixing this website, is way down on a long list of things I am doing to heal myself. Unbeknownst to me, there were several things that have accumulated in my life and dragging me down with it. (For example, the lower back injury I suffered when the Yogi stood on my back in India during the hardcore class took 1 year to heal). Once I decided to take the hit gave them a proper closure, life feels lighter. I liked the feeling, so I continued to give closure to the list of things I left unresolved. It is also, very surprising, how certain insignificant thing are actually big drags on my mood. I never would’ve known their contribution to the negative had I not attempted to bring closure to them.

I am also surprised at the fact that a lot of my problems actually have solutions to them once I sat down to try and figure it out. Then once I figured out the solution, I’d often look at people in life with the same problems walking past me on the street and wonder why they kept living with the same problems?

That’s when it occurred to me. That you need time and money to solve problems. But most importantly, you need to be open minded enough to understand that the problem can be solved. Or, at least, believe in being able to find a solution if you tried.

It’s been a while since I was able to sit down and type properly with a keyboard. Being able to materialize my thoughts at the speed that it is racing through my mind put a clarity to things that was murky before. You only notice these things, once you’ve abstained from it for a while.

A hard and long battle

March 29, 2016

I didn’t know how much stress I was under until the moment of victory. When all my worries went away and every loose end got tidied up.

A 6 months long all out war of survival where I had to enlist the help of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the City Hall and several others for help. A war where the worst case scenario happened and more. All my paranoid safety precautions that I prepared got used up and I am near my limits. A war of human connections where money had no meaning.

Then, just as sudden as it started, it ended whilst I was in the midst of gearing up for 3 more months of the final showdown. I teared up in the aftermath once I am alone. I felt drained. Old, my eyes are constantly sore even though I’ve had 10 hours of sleep. Felt like all my energy got flushed out. The stress must’ve been feeding me the energy.

I don’t want to do anything for a while. Don’t want to talk to anybody. Don’t want to celebrate or be among people. It’s a type of victory that even though you’ve won. Who you are, what you stand for and the world you believe you are living in gets destroyed so much that the victory is meaningless.


January 13, 2016

Bon, pour que je puisse practiquer mon Français, je vais écrire tous ce qui concern des filles et l’amour en Français. Raison est simple: le Français est la langue d’amour. Des filles Européen deviennent fou quand je parles Français. Des Canadienne sans fous si je peux parler trois langue.

Un belle nouvelle année. Tout le mond a retourner au travail et nos clients ont retourner aussi. Je me rendu comptr que des filles que je considère belle l’année derrière sony moins belles cette année. Je penses qu’elles ont tous engraissis un peu.

Kat est encore la plus belle des filles, mais elle a aussi grossir un peu. La seule personne qui n’a pas engraissi est Mel dans l’autre boutique de la compagnie.

On a parler un peu ensemble. Elle semble distraits un peu et a faits plein de erreur. Je me demand si c’est moi qui l’a distraitre. J’aimerai ça si c’est le cas.

Deutsch ist für die tägliche Zeitschrift

January 9, 2016

Ich will Deutsch üben. Deshalb, ich wil das leben auf Deutsch schreiben.

Gestern, das Mädchen Name Bavi zieht um in hier. Sie bringt Bettwanzen für alle.

Evil phase

January 8, 2016

Discipline, adopt a habit, do not rely on motivation and life will get better.

That’s what I’ve been believing for a while. Everyday I worked hard at the new habits I’ve been developing while fighting the drowsiness. It felt like I am headed to a good finishing line, but things always goes bad at the same time. I believe I know this before. It doesn’t anger me anymore that things are going bad, but the reason why it is going bad.

I had such an optimistic view about people and life after my spiritual and meditative journey, but all that optimism about human nature got destroyed one by one as I grind through each day in the real world. Everyday, I put a little test out there to see the outcome and every day I get disappointed by the choices that people make… the choices predicted by taking on a very dark view of human nature.

Somehow, today, all the results culminated in making me very angry. So angry that I am pushed towards ending the experiment now. I got all the results I needed from my point of view. 6 months is a good period for experimenting living the life as the “good” me.

I am also angry because I realized that what I’ve been doing, is similar to some weird thing that I’ve been doing before. Simply put, I do not go after something with everything I got, for fear of a total rejection after having put all my effort in. This way, I can still stroke my own ego saying that “It’s ok, I didn’t put everything in anyway.” I thought I had killed that way of thinking before, but there is no arguing that my current situation is exactly like that.

It is time to end this charade and use the anger and all my advantages to move into the next phase. It is time to be evil.


December 7, 2015

Many years ago, I somehow arrived at the conclusion that there are several character flaws that I need to work on and two of major flaws that seems so far awake that it was a joke had me paralyzed at how to proceed. One is making decisions, the other is finishing things I started. It came in a period of introspection after I realized just how much I resembled my father when I thought I was not.

I disliked my father so much back then that I made a point to become nothing like him. Making sure that I make my life neither in his image nor his opposite. I made sure that part of me that resembles him are met with disinterest. Because the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred.

But that leads me back to the problem of making decisions. I have to come up with how to pick a path, whether or not to accept, reject or choose a 3rd road. So I picked one that best suited to how I grew up. Predicting all the possible outcomes, pick one that has the potential future I like the most based on data and previous instances.

Back then, I somehow identified these two problems. But only jokingly because I have no idea how to go about changing it. Well, the decision part I managed to fix easily because whereas I had no model to work with before, I now have one.

The other one, the finishing anything I started. Well, that took a lot longer and made everything else longer. Still working on this because I still have unfinished projects.