Archive for the ‘Scrawl’ Category

Conscience

September 27, 2017

I have a crisis of conscience.

There was a deal I negotiated that ended up collapsing a while back. I negotiated it in good faith, believing that both parties really wanted what they claim they wanted.

On paper, I have no involvement in it since I own neither any share or hold any position with either party, however, I was the name and trust with which the deal was negotiated based on.

My conscience is saying to make it right, but my knowledge of both party is that they both acted some part on bad faith.

My experience in the past says that “No good deeds goes unpunished.” Of which, the act of making things right is one of those good deeds.

So I am here looking back at my life, reviewing all the good deeds that I’ve done which ended up screwing me. Also, making things right will not make any difference in either party’s situation.

But it’s what made me who I am today and the experience taught me how the world works. Which might have inadvertently contributed to my success because I no longer do good deeds.

So why is my conscience telling me to go ahead and do the good deed?

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On housing

July 18, 2017

The last two decade saw the invention of the ex-pat lifestyle which advocates a minimalist lifestyle that shuns possessions and a permanent residence. I went full retard on it, hook, line and sinker.

That was when I had no choice because I had to optimize for only one lifestyle from a cost perspective. Also, I knew I was leaving for at least 1 year, so the cost analysis really favors to just sell everything and terminate all ties before going on the adventure. Well, after 5 years of wandering and finally getting a bit wiser, I now favors a hybrid approach.

The reality of long term traveling is that there will always be big issues that require in person meetings back at my home base at the rate of around once every 6 months. Especially so, if someone is sustaining this ex-pat lifestyle with a business that throws off passive income or a remote work gig that doesn’t require the physical presence in the office from 9 to 5.

So from a time and cost perspective, it takes about one month to move out and one month to move in while still expending the time and energy to generate that income. Which means, 2 out of 6 months is basically thrown out of the window to redeploy the previous lifestyle.

The solution I am trying out now is a one bedroom rental at the least expensive option with the inside kitted out in the most outrageously lavish fashion. On site manager, security key fob entry, and maid services on bathroom.

It is also a good place to display the trophies of my travel while simultaneously gave me something I haven’t felt for a long time. Comfort at home. The feeling of a space designed solely for myself and fits perfectly. Which is why I went lavish with the interior. Previously I’ve always thought of it from a cost on investment perspective, so things never fits just right.

We’ll see what happens once I am done with the place and start traveling again.

100 percent life

July 8, 2017

What if instead of reducing tasks and things that needs my attention, I increase the amount of the things I can handle?

What if instead of optimization for efficiency on cost and time, I instead go all out creating the setup I need using the best tools available no matter the cost?

These are the basis of operation for my new life. Taking into consideration what I am good at; tech, travel, finances. I’ve decided on having a home base and distributed cloud services. It’ll cost me about $10 000 per year, but well worth being able to access 100% of my ability anywhere in the world.

To date, I’ve been hindered in my technological and financial ability due to the fact that I am doing anything online through a Samsung Galaxy Note 4. It just doesn’t make financial sense to rent a place and have all the utilities still running while not physically living in it. But what if, the cost doesn’t matter? How would I have done it and set it up in order to be functioning at 100%?

Definitely a difficult transition as I still catches myself thinking of the cost efficiency of things instead of just maximizing my abilities to do. But I believe this is how the average Canadians function, judging by their spending habits and how much waste I am seeing everywhere.

On Racism 2

April 22, 2017

Everyone’s been looking at it wrong because everyone is looking at it through their own perspective. What I thought of as racism in Vancouver, the kind that dismisses Asians as a joke permeating all of America, is actually fear.

Ze German

It takes a lot of work and luck to develop these type of connection with travelers. A connection that can surpass the racial line so that you can freely discuss issues knowing that there’d be no judgement from the other side. Time, patience and certain type of curiosity to how the world works. German guys are particularly interested in these things. The benefit for me, is getting answers on questions that people will not answer honestly if I was the one who asked the question.

Fear

It took me a few second to process this new fact as F recounted his run-ins with local Canadians. White-people-venting-their-frustration-to-their-visiting-European-cousins type of encounters he had. They didn’t outright say they fear Asians, it was F’s innate sense which made him conclude it as such. As a tourist to our country from Germany and more used to another kind of norm, this contrast was obvious to him. Fear of foreign invaders, I would expect the Germans to understand best what this fear feels like, but apparently, Vancouver fears Asians even more.

The fear, is that of Asians buying up all the land and taking over Vancouver. The fear of being replaced as the dominant and ruling class. The fear of being excluded, an outsider in their own land, because the Asians were not able to meld into the society nor speak English.

Language

Everyone who comments on an immigrant group who does not integrate almost invariable mention that they are not trying to learn the language. The reason why it is the way it is was so obvious to me that I never gave it a second thought. That is, until F said in a matter-of-fact manner that anyone can learn a new language at age 40 and not integrating is the immigrant’s fault.

I went “Excuse me?” Give me an example of anyone learning a new language and speaking it fluently past 40… 30 even. Then I realized that they are thinking of learning a new language based on their own experience between the Latin based languages; English, French, German, Spanish, Dutch etc. Whereas I was thinking in terms of Mandarin, French, Arabic, Russian where the roots are completely different and there are no basic common ground between them.

Herein lies the real meat of this particular debate. Most people of white races experiences learning a second language with another language similar to theirs whereas the Immigrants-who-are-not-integrating experiences learning a language that is completely different. When you think about it this way, anyone from these problematic self segregating cultures are doing so because there is no way for them to ever be completely fluent in the host country’s language. Between a friend circle where you can express yourself fully and a friend circle where you are limited to an IQ of 80 because of the limited ability to express yourself, everyone will pick the former circle of friendships. Leading eventually to self segregation.

If you want to experience this as a person of white race. You have to go to Singapore. The most prosperous country in Asia where a bunch of white people are trying to get into the financial industries and running into trouble. The frustration that they experienced at not being able to speak Mandarin is palpable. Still it misses a big part of the experience, Singaporeans will not resent you for not integrating as Asians are pretty mellow about other cultures minding their own business and being in their own cliques.

End

As the world continues its globalization, real world studies like these will become increasingly necessary in order to ease tensions. I realized that I am probably doing the work of a PHD research on race, because of my lifestyle. An academia researcher will most likely not be able to engage in physically being in different places to do research and stealth interview people the way I do. Yet these are the people our government rely on to make policies on the matter.

Racial differences can only be experienced and felt.

Simple Diary

April 21, 2017

There’s something succinctly beautiful about writing down my daily lives on paper. I’ve missed that. This began that way as the Internet and blogging started during my younger years. A simpler time and a simpler mind.

As I grow and gain more experiences, the range of topic I talk about expanded. Soon, it is less about my life and more about what’s happening around the world from my point of view. Then in recent years, as my life gets more interesting and secretive, I have been reducing my writing frequency. If I do write, I steer away from anything sensitive and politically incorrect or keep on topics that has nothing to do with offending people.

The blog also gained some weird clique. There’s the university professor who sends her students here for sleeping study. Travelers interested about Morocco (I do go to other countries you known). Investors still trying to find out what my Magic 8 ball will say next and a lot of you who lands on the first page, look around for old time sake to see if there’s anything new, then leave. I am sure there are others who uses this blog as a study of some topic or another.

Sort of surprised. Google analytics has gotten better at identifying that you guys are actually real human and not bots. It gave me consolation that I am not talking to myself all these time.

The world is changing, but more importantly, the demographic of majority voters is changing. The Millenials, the current majority, are quit easily offended by words. Political power means actual police enforcement power and translate directly to me keeping a few things to myself. Surprisingly, action is still ok.

So during my time away a couple of years ago when I began to not talk about certain things, I’ve joined and experienced a cult, traveled 1/5th of the world, lived on a remote island like Robinson Crusoe,  become a diver, met 10 000+ people from all over the world, meditated in India, fought a drug gang, swam in the Ganga River and hiked the Himalayans. I have also, finally trained enough to have six pack of stomach muscle show up clearly. (Can’t wait for summer to show off). These sounds interesting, but I am still hiding certain things that cannot be said. A traveler once asked me a question and I told her that the world is crueler than the movies depict.

I plan on eventually telling these stories to my readers, but I need some time to mentally prepare and also letting enough time pass by so that events and people are less recognizable. To finally say fuck all to political correctness and take on the consequences is not an easy decision. Also, to again bare my inner thoughts to everyone…

It’s because, I’ve reached a mental state where I am fine with showing you these things. I had some reservation before about people in real life, (work, home, friendship) reading these things and having an advantage over me. Since I am no longer in contact with any of my acquaintances and the few real friends I keep. Well, they’ve already heard all my adventures and inner thoughts.

So I am stuck in Canada for 9 months and there will probably be loads of time to type and write. I do miss writing on paper so yeah… Going to do something about it.

Wasted potential

August 7, 2016

Sometimes, I pass by these beggars on the street who looks absolutely stunning. As a guy, all I can do is feeling resignation towards these people. How can they waste so much potential and end up on the street.

A good looking face opens the door to many possibilities. It means that, as a man, these guys have wasted away countless opportunities that have opened up to them in the years that have passed. Opportunities that were thrown upon them instead of having to fight and struggle to get a foot in the door.

I always wondered how it happened. Was it a sense of pride that led them to reject these opportunities? Was it general incompetence from having life too easy for them as children?

I’ve never been able to get a yes in anything just by asking in my life. I am assuming that this is what high status and good looks gets people. So there’s always some element of maneuvering that I need to apply when I am eventually met with a no at first. Persuading people without using intimidation, anger or seduction is an art worth studying, but its general benefit in my life is very minimal. Persuasion and persistence only pays off when done early in life. When that 20% off an annual utility payment or 80% off an area rug when Eaton goes bankrupt can snowball into something big 30 years down the line.

But when you reach my age. The skills that nets you discounts are no longer worth it due to time constraints. The next phase of life requires skills that multiplies any spending by 100% or 200%.

“What are these skills?” is what is currently on my mind as I get ready to travel again.

Transformation

June 27, 2016

The only difference between the me today and the me from one year ago are muscles gained from one year of full on strength training. I still remember when I first started, the personal trainer at my gym looked huge and muscular. Now they just look the same size as me.

Waking up before the sun gets up and train for an hour before heading for work, five days a week. Money on food money on recovery from injuries, time spent to recover from diseases. It was truly a tale of blood and sweat. But the results are there. Results measured based on other people’s comments, the amount of sex I get and who I get it from.

For obvious reasons of the fact that our mind tend to deceive ourselves on the type of world and story we live in. I only believe certain things when people say it to my face. When you are good at something, people will tell others.

So it was no surprise to me that people started saying I am charismatic. When almost anywhere I go now, people initiate conversations with me. The girls I get to have sex with gets younger and hotter and the efforts I have to put in is less and less.

My guess is that the charisma comes from years of practice in my life spent without a good physique that women want. It took the sum experience from 3 years of wandering to be able to pull someone like Ylva, nowadays it doesn’t take as much effort.

It left a bad taste in my mouth because it doesn’t seem like anything else that I managed to achieve matters.

Healing

June 8, 2016

Got my site backup.

Not that it is a long struggle, it took me 2 days of mental gymnastics to figure out what’s wrong with the transfer and about 3 days of communication between two hosting providers. The debugging part, once I’ve finally convinced myself that I am smart enough and strong enough to endure the process, actually took only 1 hour.

Most of my life’s hurdles are like this. Not really hard to solve when I get down to it, but the mental hurdle that I needed to overcome and convince myself is very high. Think of it as a charging up of a lot of energy before releasing a tsunami to overwhelm the problem. The preparation to have food ready and the process of freeing up the time for the days ahead that I expect to spend on this project. The problem almost always end up being easier than expected and gets solved earlier once all the preparations are done.

It took this long, because fixing this website, is way down on a long list of things I am doing to heal myself. Unbeknownst to me, there were several things that have accumulated in my life and dragging me down with it. (For example, the lower back injury I suffered when the Yogi stood on my back in India during the hardcore class took 1 year to heal). Once I decided to take the hit gave them a proper closure, life feels lighter. I liked the feeling, so I continued to give closure to the list of things I left unresolved. It is also, very surprising, how certain insignificant thing are actually big drags on my mood. I never would’ve known their contribution to the negative had I not attempted to bring closure to them.

I am also surprised at the fact that a lot of my problems actually have solutions to them once I sat down to try and figure it out. Then once I figured out the solution, I’d often look at people in life with the same problems walking past me on the street and wonder why they kept living with the same problems?

That’s when it occurred to me. That you need time and money to solve problems. But most importantly, you need to be open minded enough to understand that the problem can be solved. Or, at least, believe in being able to find a solution if you tried.

It’s been a while since I was able to sit down and type properly with a keyboard. Being able to materialize my thoughts at the speed that it is racing through my mind put a clarity to things that was murky before. You only notice these things, once you’ve abstained from it for a while.

A hard and long battle

March 29, 2016

I didn’t know how much stress I was under until the moment of victory. When all my worries went away and every loose end got tidied up.

A 6 months long all out war of survival where I had to enlist the help of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the City Hall and several others for help. A war where the worst case scenario happened and more. All my paranoid safety precautions that I prepared got used up and I am near my limits. A war of human connections where money had no meaning.

Then, just as sudden as it started, it ended whilst I was in the midst of gearing up for 3 more months of the final showdown. I teared up in the aftermath once I am alone. I felt drained. Old, my eyes are constantly sore even though I’ve had 10 hours of sleep. Felt like all my energy got flushed out. The stress must’ve been feeding me the energy.

I don’t want to do anything for a while. Don’t want to talk to anybody. Don’t want to celebrate or be among people. It’s a type of victory that even though you’ve won. Who you are, what you stand for and the world you believe you are living in gets destroyed so much that the victory is meaningless.

L’amour

January 13, 2016

Bon, pour que je puisse practiquer mon Français, je vais écrire tous ce qui concern des filles et l’amour en Français. Raison est simple: le Français est la langue d’amour. Des filles Européen deviennent fou quand je parles Français. Des Canadienne sans fous si je peux parler trois langue.

Un belle nouvelle année. Tout le mond a retourner au travail et nos clients ont retourner aussi. Je me rendu comptr que des filles que je considère belle l’année derrière sony moins belles cette année. Je penses qu’elles ont tous engraissis un peu.

Kat est encore la plus belle des filles, mais elle a aussi grossir un peu. La seule personne qui n’a pas engraissi est Mel dans l’autre boutique de la compagnie.

On a parler un peu ensemble. Elle semble distraits un peu et a faits plein de erreur. Je me demand si c’est moi qui l’a distraitre. J’aimerai ça si c’est le cas.