Archive for June, 2017

To be Normal is to be Mediocre

June 6, 2017

To expand on Aspergers, I am probably a very high functioning one or just lucky enough to have the object of my desires to be something related to human relationships. The ones that stands out are those who specializes in something unnatural.

Perhaps one of the more damaging moment when I was young, is to have one of these young psychologist or psychiatrists tell me that I might have a disease known as Aspergers out right without me seeking her opinion. The resulting internal debate is one of the most depressing one I’ve had till that point in my life almost as similar in intensity to the day I learned the false idiocy which says our brain stops growing after our teenage years.

If you look at our society and those successful founders at the top who invented something, you’ll notice that most of them has some form of Aspergers and they found a way to hide it from normal people. The desire for perfection and an insufferable desire to complete an idea. These are the exact same characteristics necessary to succeed in something new.  From my point of view, this is a genetic mutation that allow us to transcend “Normality” and ascend to the next form of existence. However, our brain only has a limited amount of computational ability, so these specialized “gifts” often come at the expense of other normal functions.

If you were to imagine a smooth suave normal person that you’d look up to, I believe most everyone can agree that ballroom dancers are the most elegant bunch and can all agree that they are not one of these “brain damaged” retards. Yet if you think about how they achieved their elegance for a moment. Countless hours everyday of repeating the same routine OVER AND OVER. Isn’t that just like someone with Aspergers? Everything hardcore where you aim for the top requires some type of mental illness. The very definition of the top 1% says you are not normal.

The sooner we can change our mindset on this, the sooner we can start cultivating and grooming these gifted individuals to help advance our civilization. Think about it? What is normal? Living a normal life, never standing out, doing the same shit everyone else is doing. I hold a certain amount of disdain towards the normal people I see in everyday life. Always chatting on the phone about insignificant nonsense, always checking instagram (Snap chat or whatever is new nowadays). Never doing anything akin to improving themselves or thinking about the future.

Imagine a kid with a brilliant ability to invent new devices and having an authoritative figure telling the kid one day that he has a disability with the parents agreeing with the authority. This is probably the most devastating hit to the kid’s mind than anything you can throw at him.

There was something important with my little “gift” that I believe allowed me to be somewhat responsive in social settings. That is a moment when I come to peace with not “Completing” something or not doing something to the high standard I require. This desire to have things in an order in the way it is supposed to be in my desire is very strong and important part of Aspergers. At least according to me. It drives me and pushes me towards excellence, always trying to be better. It hurts a lot internally when I cannot make it the way I want it.

I believe, since I can only speak from my own experience, that others get stuck when this happens and cannot get out of it. I call it a dissonance loop. You must finish so your mind can move on to the next thing, but you cannot finish. Before you know it, the mind goes inside and the body start moving automatically towards the coping mechanism adapted since childhood. The way I go about overriding this, is by agreeing to myself that I am doing this for others, so it is not what I wanted so that the standard does not have to be “perfection”. I’ve also learned a lot about time management and what’s important to do first, so these logical reasonings can be used to override the “emotional” desire in order to push things forward in a project.

Well, I didn’t always know the internal workings of my own “gift” until recently. Going to an extreme Vipassana retreat to meditate really helped me go through my life’s moment and slowly sort out the ins and out of everything. I also uses anchoring techniques and a clap as the anchor as a quick way to release myself if I ever enter into a “Dissonance Loop” in public.

I think this is all that I needed to say on the subject. I will now get back to making sure that the walls of my new apartments are “perfectly prepped” before I put on the new coat of paint. This apartment will be for me and me only, so everything in it is about indulging that little “gifted” side of mine.

 

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Nesting

June 4, 2017

Probably the most mind boggling thing about Canada is that my win ratio when it comes to getting anything important without connections, be it an apartment or Job, is zero. Whereas the exact opposite is true whilst I am in Taiwan. The stark contrast tells me something is definitely different. Two possibilities exists: 1. the economy in Canada is shit or 2. I am the least desirable candidate on paper based on external appearances when it comes to selection of a likable candidate. I will be conducting more tests on this in the future to figure out the correct assumption in the future.

I try not to use my connections as much as possible, but at this point in my life, I am less tolerant on wasting time competing against deplorables. I had to start again because of the traveling I did, not because I messed up my life. So I called someone I know and viewed a great place. The deal took less than 1 day to complete and it showed me how powerful having connection is and that it’d be stupid to throw away all the connections I’ve built up in Vancouver over the years. Now I am painting my new place and slowly constructing the final layout in my mind.

It’s been a while since I’ve had my own place without a room mate. My own room, my own kitchen and not sharing anything with anyone. Now, I am even thinking of keeping the place even while I am traveling. I’ve always moved around before because keeping an apartment rented while traveling around is fiscally irresponsible. However, the me today is financially capable of doing this and my time has become more important than anything else. If you look at it from the time perspective, I lose about 2 months worth of productive time (not counting time spent looking for apartments) moving in and out of a place each year and also, living with others and tolerating their bullshit also shaves off a few minutes of time here and there. Add it all together and it is no longer worth it to attempt to find a place.

The more this idea takes hold, the more I am taking a long term approach to this new apartment. The work I am doing to it becomes more meticulous, more long term. The wall most be completely flat and smooth before the paint goes on, the floor must be wiped until the water in the bucket is no longer dirty. Every inch of the space cleaned with wash cloth, every crack sealed.

The orphan reflex

June 3, 2017

It occurred to me that more than anything else, that my character and choices are dictated by a life long lack of family rather than race.

I experienced a succinct moment of clarity after watching the movie “The Accountant”. It was a moment where I became self aware of my own Asperger syndrome. Like the robots in “Westworld” an important moment similar to when robots gained consciousness and became aware that they are synthetic.

For me, it was an interesting moment as I realized at the same time that Asperger is not genetic, but rather caused by the environment. Reason’s simple: The current me, the current tendency towards who I am, was not there before the age of 10, before I crossed the ocean and moved to Quebec.

First there was the shock of a different world where I became the odd one out. Extreme isolation lasting several years from not being able to fully express myself and of course, being disliked and made fun of due to my accent and general appearance of stupidity from lesser command of the language and slower response.

I believe that these circumstances allowed me to go really deep inward, creating the environment and uninterrupted string of time by myself to specialize certain part of my brain towards a utility of my desire. I believe the changed part is a creation of an emotional want. For me, I deeply desired something that will allow me to make sense of the behavior of others. Because I have a hard time understanding why my world is now so negative when my personality and wants, what drives me happy or sad, were still the same.

Well, I guess one of your psychologists can probably come up with a thesis for your new paper from this.

Then I wondered whether or not some of my personal life choices is due to this isolation, this “Aspergers Syndrome” that over educated people coined. The “disease” for me, is actually a type of advantage I have over others. Before I self diagnosed, it was always just an advantage I have. It needs its data to do its things and sometimes I go out of my way to feed it, sometimes I nod and pretend to fit in to society. Sometimes, when I don’t have to interact with people, I amuse myself by feeding my asperger’s needs.

It can be said that normal people without the disease are simply the same people with an asperger’s dead set on pursuing a normal life. So I know my asperger has a very particular want. Then, what is this paranoia that I am seeing myself going through? This preparedness for all possible outcomes, the secrecy, the fail safes.

Then I realized, it is because I have no family in Canada. It was due to a lack of a fail safe, a safety net. In fact, I’ve recently started a new mind journey while doing my meditations. I’d been comparing similar events between Taiwan and Canada, things like how co-workers treated me as Taiwan and as Canadian. I wanted to get to the root of what is normal behavior and what is racist. I am assuming that Taiwanese people treat me normally since I look and speak the same as they and Canadians treat me with racism since I am obviously different. It’s been quite a revealing journey and further detached me from the great lie that western society is trying to sell. That everyone is equal and there are no racism.