I didn’t know how much stress I was under until the moment of victory. When all my worries went away and every loose end got tidied up.
A 6 months long all out war of survival where I had to enlist the help of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the City Hall and several others for help. A war where the worst case scenario happened and more. All my paranoid safety precautions that I prepared got used up and I am near my limits. A war of human connections where money had no meaning.
Then, just as sudden as it started, it ended whilst I was in the midst of gearing up for 3 more months of the final showdown. I teared up in the aftermath once I am alone. I felt drained. Old, my eyes are constantly sore even though I’ve had 10 hours of sleep. Felt like all my energy got flushed out. The stress must’ve been feeding me the energy.
I don’t want to do anything for a while. Don’t want to talk to anybody. Don’t want to celebrate or be among people. It’s a type of victory that even though you’ve won. Who you are, what you stand for and the world you believe you are living in gets destroyed so much that the victory is meaningless.