Archive for December, 2015

2015 year of awakening

December 26, 2015

The year in general

I finally started traveling to hardcore countries that I deemed the 3rd tier. Which is what I considers hardcore traveling. India and Nepal were the final destinations before I flew to Europe to await my return flight back to Canada. Because of some shit that happened with the tenants, I had to come back early and begin the process of reintegrating back to society.

Canadian life is super weird from the point of view of the world. Vancouver life in particular. I

Enlightenment

India and Nepal changed me. But it was not the spirituality or any of the oft-promised enlightenment that people go on about with their spiritual journey. Those promises are someone else’s experience. What I experienced was the lifting of the veil and finally being able to see reality as it is.

In the purest sense of the world. People only cares about themselves and nobody is really watching me, so I should stop being self conscious and do what I want.

The biggest realization of this year and probably the biggest change in attitude is that I’ve stopped asking people for advice on decisions now. Actually, I’d get angry if people give me unsolicited advice because I’d rather make my decision without their influence. I don’t want to have to ponder whether or not I am deciding something because I am trying to go against someone.

The reasoning goes like this. If I decide based on others advice, I’ll regret it because it is not mine. If I decide and it failed, I learn something. If I decide and I succeed, I’ll gain confidence in my ability. More often than not, the last case happens. So if I cannot decide, I’ll pick a deadline for decision and just randomly pick aroute.

Decisions

Three lifestyle changes I’ve been testing out this year and after a year of it have decided my pick.

1. Coffee

First, on the topic of whether or not to drink coffee. I’ve tested out living a life being completely cleansed of caffeine in my system and decided that I will continue to drink coffee. It was a long ordeal of not even drinking tea or eating chocolate and stuffing myself with banana everyday. I had problems with insomnia as I can only sleep 4 hours per night when I am completely clear of caffeine and gets really tired after work. I also, cannot muster up the will power to get any work done. Like previous instances, my imagination and desires ran wild with imagining a bright future. A caffeine free life is a colorful life of imagination, but not great for getting things done.

2. Lifting

The benefit of staying in one place for long time is the ability to join a gym. I’ve been consistently lifting for 4 months now and the results are very obvious (155lbs to 165lbs and fat% from 15% to 13%). The transformation in people’s attitude and respect towards me is amazing. The amount of shit I can get away with baffles my mind. Simply put, the society punishes the ugly and rewards the pretty. I am not even pretty, so I can only faintly imagine how much easier hot people have it. There were so many things that I thought was caused by my personality before but ended up just being because of my looks.

3. Good or Bad

Being a good and just person never got me anywhere. Correction, looking at life with a rose tinted glass and following the path of the golden rule never got me anywhere. Every time I managed a major success, it was because of my cynical assessment of real human motive. Cynicism and manipulation got me further ahead than any good deed and moral standard I upheld in my life. So ever since my awakening in April ~ June, I am only being nice and giving, because whatever loss I am going to suffer is not even worth thinking about. However, a recent lawsuit taught me that I need to crush whoever it is that is directly opposing me with no mercy.

The lawsuit marked a turning point in solidifying my decision as it came after I finished my spiritual journey in India and was at a crossroad of picking paths. I was presented with two realities of life and both seemed probable as an explanation to what’s been happening to me in my life, but I was not 100% sure as I have different experiences in different countries. So the lawsuit was a microcosm to allow me to test both theories. At least for North America, the path I decide to take on will be true.

At numerous points in the lawsuit, I’d give the opposing party a way out after I’ve stuffed the whole process with unrelenting evidences against them. Every single time without fail, they’d use the nice gesture as a way to lash back to double down on the previous accusations. To make sure my theory is right, I gave them 3 chances to prove me wrong. That people is naturally good and just. Each time, without fail, I’d get bitten and had to crush them again with the backup plan. Evidence? I decided not to file suit against them which resulted in them filing suit against me. Always attack, never defend, the burden of proof is on the defender and even if you succeed at defending, you are only back at square 0.

4. Change my living condition

I am still pretending to be a vagabond. Taking my sweet time deciding whether or not to move on to the next level. Currently, I am leaning towards doing it. Since it will be a irreversible change in perception among people who knows me, there’s no harm done in waiting. Besides, I need time to prepare backup plans in case I need to disappear or got disappeared. There is some thing that is still going on in my mind that I am trying to get a grasp on. Mainly what my value is without all those secrets. Can I distinguish myself if I dress like a homeless? Can anyone tell? The answer so far is a wad load of no and 3 yes. Where the yes came from people who are in a similar economic class as the vagabond. From what point do the blings start representing who I am and from what point can my character actually overshadow the status? I am getting to the conclusion that “status” is all that you really are. Things you’ve achieved. Your personality doesn’t matter.

Financial

Stayed flat, I didn’t do anything to it.

Emotional

Going back to the dark side. Looking back to last year’s review. I almost puked rainbows. I wonder if it is Vancouver that is doing this to me.

Improvements

December 7, 2015

Many years ago, I somehow arrived at the conclusion that there are several character flaws that I need to work on and two of major flaws that seems so far awake that it was a joke had me paralyzed at how to proceed. One is making decisions, the other is finishing things I started. It came in a period of introspection after I realized just how much I resembled my father when I thought I was not.

I disliked my father so much back then that I made a point to become nothing like him. Making sure that I make my life neither in his image nor his opposite. I made sure that part of me that resembles him are met with disinterest. Because the opposite of love is indifference, not hatred.

But that leads me back to the problem of making decisions. I have to come up with how to pick a path, whether or not to accept, reject or choose a 3rd road. So I picked one that best suited to how I grew up. Predicting all the possible outcomes, pick one that has the potential future I like the most based on data and previous instances.

Back then, I somehow identified these two problems. But only jokingly because I have no idea how to go about changing it. Well, the decision part I managed to fix easily because whereas I had no model to work with before, I now have one.

The other one, the finishing anything I started. Well, that took a lot longer and made everything else longer. Still working on this because I still have unfinished projects.

Retail

December 5, 2015

I was never able to get a customer facing job in my youth. I had a hunch that it is my inability to speak the language fluently but was never able to prove.

Now that I am fluent in 3 languages and have experiences that basically over qualifies me for the positions I am applying for (I don’t put it on the resume), I am sure that it is the language problem. What happened since I got this job, is that I managed to learn my job at half the time of a normal candidate (said by manager) and was right away offered a supervisory role. This, is how qualified I am.

Still, I was not able to get myself hired by any white manager. I got lucky and was hired partly (I suspect) by a manager of my own ethnicity. Looking through the data I gathered from the interview responses I received, I am now disillusioned from the dream of a truly “equal” Canada. Yes, it is more equal and treat other races better than everyone, but I should not be so naive as to believe that it puts me on equal footing with the local white population.

On the other hand, I’ve noticed a definite change in attitude of people towards me now that I am 165lb and at 11% body fat. I get away with a lot more shit and get a lot more attention from women. To any stranger, nothing about my personality or knowledge matters. The one thing that matters on first impression, is looks.

Just like that. I have accepted reality and will be working towards improving the superficial aspect of my life.