I have co-existed with my subconscious for long enough to know that there’s a reason behind everything. My conscious mind is just slower at figuring out but act as a last gateway to filter out whether or not my current degrading moral values can accept and live with the consequences.
So it wasn’t too weird to refuse the full time project management job in order to take on a part time retail facing job. But it isn’t until now that I understood why.
I think due to what I have become, I am getting more and more detached to real living conditions by the day. There were too many instances where I’d get the comments along the line of: “Nobody does that, why would you do it like that?” The answer in my mind is usually a very logical answer based on years of experience and clarity. However I have lost the ability to understand that the resulting action will be seen as an outlier in society. Something I need to watch out for in order to draw less attention to myself.
That said, there’s still the matter of my “aura” so to speak. It is something I’ve noticed now that I am back in a drone’s position, but the aura was a natural part of my previous life. Simply put, I don’t know how to suppress it and it is seeping out in unexpected ways. 5 times now I’ve been mistaken as the manager in the few weeks that I’ve been on the job. Twice I’ve been asked to move into management position. My observation on the type of people who can notice this is also interesting. People in higher up position or in higher part of society are more aware of this than those at the lower tier of society.
What it does create is conflict with the lower tier people as they are not aware of the aura and equate your position exactly as what you are. Simply put. People in higher tier of society uses your “presence” to judge who you are while people in lower tier society had to use your position as they have less exposure to management and the “Game of Thrones” so need less intuition on that to survive. So when someone in a lower class position has a commanding presence towards them, it creates repulsion.
So it is a failure on my part to hide this presence. And I believe it has everything to do with my pride. The combination of this and bad acting skills means that I am not able to play the part of the whipped beta boy that I need to be. I made a point of making a mistake per day, but after watching the real beta boy at work who sucks so bad at it, I realized that even intentionally crippling my performance, I am nowhere near drastic enough with my acting skills.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I didn’t go all out flashy once I got back. Because I do remember saying that the backpacking trip will be the last time I will be poor. It has something to do with the Awakening. But more so with pre-selecting people. People who can notice and people who cannot.
Alongside.me 